A VERY AMERICAN CHRISTMAS
How Trump Saved Christmas
It was the night before Christmas, and Trump was busily taking phone call on live TV while the DoH tracked Santa’s trip on a big screen. The biggest. Children all across the greatest nation on Earth (USA!) waited patiently on the other line, eager to tell him what they wanted for Christmas. Trump smiled, nodded and reminded each child that this Christmas was the best it had ever been in a long time, probably ever.
Then the alert came in.
Not a call, not a tweet, but a message, red banner and classified. The kind that doesn’t wait for commercial break.
The room went Silent Night.
“Mr. President,” an aide whispered in his miraculously healed ear. “We have confirmation.”
But Trump already knew. He always did.
Secret intelligence had confirmed the nation's worst fear. The one thing no one could even say out loud.
The North Pole had fallen.
Illegal immigrants had crossed the border and stole every job in Santa’s workshop. Every. Single. one. All the elves were gone. Replaced by criminals. They were working overtime, but also mooching off the free cookies. No background checks. No loyalty to Santa. The toy supply chain was compromised.
And Santa?
Santa had been brainwashed by the Radical Left! Sources said he’d stopped saying “ho-ho-ho” and started saying “We need to listen.” He’d been seen attending sensitivity training. The naughty list was discountinued in favor of “Growth Assessments.” Reindeer emissions were being offset and the sleigh had gone electric!
🎶But the greatest change of them all?!🎶
The list had flipped!
EVERY GOOD American child had been marked “GOALS NOT MET.” It wasn't because they’d misbehaved, but because they said the Pledge of Allegiance before every meal, prayed to Jesus before every test, and kissed their mother AND father goodnight before going to sleep in their single-family Christian home.
Meanwhile, Santa’s sleigh, now confirmed hostile, was allegedly loaded with fentanyl, weapons of mass destruction, and heading straight towards God's country.
Analysts warned it would be the largest attack on American soil in history. Bigger than anything anyone could ever imagine. Chimneys everywhere! No walls. No defense.
Trump turned towards the screen. A little icon blinked steadily over the Atlantic.
“There’s no choice,” Trump said gravely. “None.”
Trump hung up on tiny Tim, who was six items into his Christmas list, and glanced over at Hegseth, who was passed out off eggnog, so Miller was stealing his wallet. The order was given. Missles
Somewhere in some poor farmer’s soy fields, the ground opened up to a silo beneath it. With a rumble and a flash, missiles launched out of the ground and rocketed into the night sky. Fighter jets were scrambled and NORAD confirmed visual.
The sleigh veered left. The reindeer scattered. On the big screen, in real time, the Santa icon vanished. The studio stayed silent. All eyes were on the bald spot on the back of Trump’s head, waiting for him turn around.
He pulled a diet coke from his jacket pocket. Melania cracked it open and in one big gulp, he finished it. Melania crushed the can and handed it back for him to dramatically throw away.
And just like that, Christmas was saved.
Trump addressed the nation minutes later on a suspiciously well-dressed stage, framed by flags and blinking graphics that read “CHRISTMAS SECURITY UPDATE.”
The Cameras pulled in and Trump took to the podium, surrounded by old people no one knew were actually congress people.
“This… was a terrible situation,” he said solemnly. “Very sad… But also very, very necessary. Oh, yes. Christmas has been broken for a long time. Many people have been saying it. Corrupt… Weak… Globalist. The previous administration did nothing ad led us into a situation that wouldn’t have happened if I was president. It's a problem and somebody has to fix it.”
He paused.
“I will fix it.”
Trump announced an immediate and thorough operation to secure the North Pole and guarantee its sovereignty for future generations. Troops would remain deployed until borders are enforced and the workshop opens under new management. Strong management. The strongest. AMERICAN management. And until further notice, Trump would personally assume the role of Santa Claus.
“The best Santa,” he clarified. “Everyone agrees.”
Christmas was now designated an official American holiday. Other countries could apply for participation, but approval was not guaranteed. All presents would now be subject to tariffs—Big ones, fair ones. Countries that refused would not receive any gifts. Not even coal, which would be the cleanest kind. No exceptions.
The naughty list would be reinstated, expanded, digitized, and managed by the best, smartest people. Reindeer would no longer run unvetted. Elves would be legal. Very legal. The workshop would be energy independent. No longer would coal be burdened by the naughty-list. It would be used to generate all the electricity needed, creating jobs and national security.
Trump promised that next year, Christmas would be bigger, stronger, and the most patriotic, like ever before. There would be parades highlighting the North Pole’s state-of-the-art war department and lots of fireworks. All the fireworks, American made. None of the China cheap-design fireworks.
Somewhere, a child quietly asked if Rudolph was okay.
The broadcast ended.
Christmas, truely, had been made great again.